Sheldon's Spot
by Concupiscence66
Summary: Sheldon tries to make things up to Howard.  Sheldon/Howard resulting in Sheldon/Leonard and Howard/Raj
1. Chapter 1

"Well, I need to get back to work. My career isn't going to rise from the ashes by itself! By the way, thanks again, guys."

"Ouch," Raj responded as Howard walked away, "I don't think he's forgiven us."

"I don't understand why he's being so difficult. When the three of you tampered with my data..." Sheldon began.

"We didn't tamper with your data," interjected Leonard, "We tampered with you."

"And if you had run the data before announcing the findings to the entire university..." added Raj before being interrupted by Sheldon.

"WHY would I have to run the data when I had observed the readings with my own eyes?"

"Because you are not a computer! " Leonard snapped, "Now that's I've said it out loud, I admit that was a faulty argument and I withdraw my statement."

Sheldon looked disappointed, "You need to think BEFORE you speak, Leonard. I'm starting to think you will die alone if you can't improve your social skills."

"My point is, if you had run the data before making the announcement, there would have been no affect on your career..." was Raj's second attempt.

"I do not accept the premise that the three of you, my closest friends, are denied culpability because you somehow did not know I would announce my findings as soon as I..."

"We're scientists! We have a protocol to follow..." began Leonard (knowing full well he was running face first into a brick wall).

"Excuse me," Sheldon said as he tapped the shoulder of a female stranger at the next table, "Hi. My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm a theoretical physicist here at Caltech. Perhaps you've heard of me by reputation?"

"Reputation and youtube," was her affirmative reply. She looked a little starstruck.

"Based on what you know of me, do you imagine I need to run a 5-way ANOVA to interpret data that I have seen with my own two eyes?"

She hesitated, "I'm sure you don't think you need to..."

"Thank you for confirming my point. Not that I should have needed further validation. Are you aware that you have not one but three forms of potato on your plate? Even if you are preparing for a marathon..."

Leonard pulled Sheldon back to face his friends. He tried to smile apologetically to the potato eater but she was already pulling out her cell phone. Probably twittering away about meeting the "chocolate rain" of the physics world. Sheldon never let his fans down.

"Regardless," Raj continued doggedly, "Howard and I risked our lives coming to Texas to bring you back."

"I was there, too," interjected Leonard, "in fact, I was driving!"

"Dude, first of all, you were driving with your penis because you were thinking about Penny. Second, Texas is a lot less scary for white guys."

"We are getting off topic, gentlemen! The point is, I graciously accepted your apologies and let by gone be by gones."

Sheldon watched his friends silently storm away. He tried to imagine what he had said this time to upset them. Then he decided he couldn't be bothered. He could only focus on one irrationally needy and demanding person at a time and right now, that was Wolowitz.

Howard had already accepted Sheldon's apology for accidentally letting it slip to the FBI that Howard had crashed the Mars rover in order to impress a girl. Howard had understood the significance of being given Sheldon's "spot" on the couch. Of course, when Sheldon demanded his space back, Howard withdrew his forgiveness. Sheldon had given and taken back the most important thing he had to offer. Now he was more at a loss than ever. One of the many qualities Leonard offered as a friend and roommate was his willingness to simply tell Sheldon what he should do and feel. Howard offered no such assistance. He simply stayed angry.

When he asked Leonard for advice, Leonard's enigmatic reply was, "If you really want to show Howard you're his friend, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable for more than say, 94 seconds."

It was one am and Sheldon was contemplating his white board. He had written a list of Howard's "likes". Then he went through the list and found everything that made Sheldon uncomfortable. Babylon 5. Leslie Winkle. Sex. Prostitutes. Pornography. Turtlenecks. Dickys.

He could have a dicky made with Babylon 5 characters in compromising positions. That would be both horrible for Sheldon and a pleasant surprise for Howard.

Leonard said "no" and "you're not getting the point of self-sacrifice."

Hmph.

Sheldon could pay Leslie Winkle to have sex with Howard.

"Leslie Winkle is promiscuous, not a whore!"

"I don't know where to find a real prostitute. I'm sure Leslie would understand my situation..."

"No!"

Sheldon was starting to regret waking Leonard. He seemed irritable.

As he considered the remaining items on the board, the answer became painfully obvious.

"I'll have to have sex with Howard myself."

Leonard spit his water across the room. Disgusting. Sheldon had the patience of a saint with Leonard and yet no one seemed to see it.

"Tell me you are joking!"

"This is not a bazinga, Leonard, this is important. You would know if it were a bazinga. Because I would have said 'bazinga'. Howard Wolowitz is one of my closest friends and it disturbs me to imagine him withdrawing that friendship. I blame you, Leonard."

"Of course you do. May I ask why?" Leonard was being sarcastic. Or Sardonic. Or perhaps completely sincere. It was hard to see his face under his floppy bed head curls.

"If you hadn't insisted on being my friend and then including me in your time spent with Raj and Howard, I wouldn't be in this situation."

"You wouldn't have any friends at all."

"Exactly! I'd probably have a Nobel Prize by now instead of a cushion tainted with someone else's butt print."

Leonard touched Sheldon's shoulder briefly. It was something Leonard frequently did before he said something unpleasant. It seemed to be some kind of training technique but Sheldon had yet to uncover the point.

"Buddy, let's role play this. I'll be you and you be Howard."

"Very well, Leonard. You begin."

"Howard, I would like to offer sexual favors in exchange for your forgiveness."

"I accept your offer. Let's negotiate our terms."

"That is not what Howard would say!"

Sheldon was baffled as per usual. It was the only reasonable response, what else could Howard say? Leonard and Sheldon reversed roles.

Sheldon, playing the role of Sheldon, said, "Howard, I regret that I was forced to renege on the offer of 'my spot' but I would like to make a new proposition..."

"Why should I trust you? How do I know you won't back out of this next offer?"

Oh.

"I understand your misgivings but I assure you, I intend to keep my word."

"You intend to but what about when it comes time to follow through and you have to share bodily fluids..."

"I haven't told you what I'm offering yet!"

"What are you offering?" Leonard looked annoyed, as though it was Sheldon who had thrown the integrity of the role play out the window.

"I am offering the sexual favor of your choice at a time and place of your choosing."

"I want to put my tongue in your mouth. I want to put my penis, which I pee with!, in your mouth... Sit down, Sheldon."

Leonard gently guided Sheldon to his spot. The room swam in front of the Texan's eyes.

Leonard kept his hand on Sheldon's shoulder. To hold him up or was this part of the training?

"You'd better go back to the drawing board."

"Howard, what do you want most in the world?"

Leonard slouched down in his seat at the lunch table as soon as Sheldon opened his mouth.

"Sex."

Leonard was pouting because Sheldon was right. Ha.

"Then I have a proposition for you..."

"Whey-huh!" interjected Leonard with his usual eloquence, "Howard wants sex with Bernadette. Not just any person."

"Bernadette dumped me again. I went to her house to make her dinner."

"Why would she dump you? That sounds like a lovely gesture," inquired Raj.

"Well, I was naked and apparently her mother has a key..."

"So, Howard would like to have sex with a beautiful woman. Not just anyone," continued Leonard apparently just to be obstinate.

"Or an ugly girl. Or a really realistic doll..."

"How about..." Sheldon began.

"Sheldon! I sneezed on your keyboard!"

He knew Leonard was lying. He was trying to keep Sheldon from propositioning Howard. Unfortunately, his roommate of seven years had an uncanny talent for picking up on Sheldon's weaknesses. Sheldon left the table to disinfect his keyboard.

"WTF, guys?" asked Raj as soon as Sheldon was out of ear shot.

"Sheldon feels really bad that he hasn't made things right with Howard."

Howard looked sheepish, "I'll talk to him. I've just been upset about Bernadette. And I like tormenting Sheldon."

"You should talk to him really soon. Like, right away and DO NOT let him talk to you first!"

"Why?" Howard's green eyes suddenly lit up, "Is he planning to get me a prostitute?"

"Sheldon doesn't know how to find a hooker in LA. He was going to try to pay Leslie Winkle..." Howard looked interested, "but I said no."

"Of course you did."

"So what is Sheldon planning to do?" asked Raj.

"He's going to offer Howard sex. With him. Sheldon sex."

The three men shuddered at the thought of what Sheldon sex might entail.

Howard was in a better mood than he'd been in weeks. The idea of his gangly, neurotic, asexual, "treasured acquaintance" offering himself as a sacrificial virgin more than melted his residual anger. It was pretty impressive really. Sheldon wasn't much for sacrifice, or discomfort, or apologizing, or caring what other people thought, or noticing that other people had feelings...

It was an endearing gesture. And that's why only a total asshat would use the situation to torture Sheldon.

Too bad for Sheldon, all his friends are total asshats.

Howard and Raj thoroughly destroyed Leonard and Sheldon at Halo III. They were too busy bickering to use any real strategy. They occasionally had those breakdowns.

After some post-game gloating, Raj said his goodbyes. Then Leonard feigned sudden and overwhelming exhaustion and went to "hit the hay" leaving Howard alone with Sheldon.

Howard looked forward to dragging things out and watching Sheldon squirm. However, Sheldon just came right out with it.

"Howard, to demonstrate once and for all how sorry I am for my slip up and how much I value your friendship, I would like to make a proffer of sexual activity."

"With you?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I want anal, no rubbers. I like to feel it when I have sex."

Sheldon's face was so horrified, Howard almost gave up the game right then but that's when Leonard popped in.

"What's going on here?" he asked with exaggerated confusion.

"Sheldon and I are about to have pretty rough bare back sex so if you wouldn't mind..."

"Wait just a minute!" bellowed Sheldon indignantly, wrapping his arms around himself protectively, "I did not agree to sex without prophylactics and certainly not in the living room!"

"But, Sheldon, you can't expect Howard to wear a rubber. He won't be able to feel anything."

"That is axiomatically untrue. Howard will certainly have enough feeling through the latex sheath to achieve orgasm."

"Well, if you're going to talk filth, I'll go back to my bedroom."

"Leonard!" Howard called to his friend's retreating back, "we're sorry. You can come back. You can watch."

Leonard turned around. Howard began removing his sweater slowly. Once he was just in his slacks and a sporty dicky, he started gyrating his hips in front of Sheldon while rubbing his pale and wiry chest.

"I am not comfortable with Leonard watching. I am apologizing to you, not him."

"You fed me bugs for a month! And again last week!"

"Fine, I'll have apology sex with you tomorrow, Leonard! Just go to your room and put on my noise canceling headphones."

"So I have permission to go into your bedroom..."

"Leonard!"

Leonard sulked his way down the hall.

Without Leonard as a knowing audience, Howard suddenly felt awkward. He was only used to grinding half naked in front of women. And to be honest, he didn't get that much grinding in on a regular basis. He was about to spill the beans when he realized Sheldon was taking off his shoes. He was really going to go through with it. He was actually going to swap bodily fluids with another person just to maintain a friendship.

Howard put his hand on Sheldon's shoulder and smirked when Sheldon jumped away. Great plan, Sheldon.

"I'm yanking your chain, Sheldon! Leonard told me what you were planning to do so we decided to mess with you a little bit."

Sheldon's face was blank and his hands remained frozen at his shoe laces.

"I'm not mad at you, anymore, okay? We're all good."

"You don't want the coitus?"

"No one wants 'the coitus'. That sounds like something my mother warned me I'd catch from public toilets," Howard continued bellowing in his mother's voice, "Always hover over the seat or you'll get a case of the coitus!"

Sheldon began to retie his shoe while Howard put his sweater back on. He had to ask. He didn't want to know but he had to ask.

"Why? Why did this seem like something you should do? I know Leonard didn't approve."

"No. And I can see that he was correct. My offer was ill-conceived."

Sheldon constantly made Howard's life difficult. He was demanding, insulting and inflexible but (like a brain tumor) he had grown on Howard (and damaged his brain).

Howard sat down next to Sheldon and tried to look friendly.

"I would have given you your spot back. I just wanted to see if you were serious."

"I was serious."

"You didn't last two minutes!"

Sheldon's blue eyes were woeful.

"How can this, " Howard gestured between himself and Sheldon, "be less uncomfortable than letting me sit in your spot on a couch?"

"Coitus is a finite act. Eventually it would be over matter how uncomfortable."

"Wow. When you put it that way it makes perfect sense. By the way, just FYI, we're both guys, Sheldon!"

Sheldon scrunched up his face like he was smelling something terrible.

"Oh, Sheldon, are you gay?"

"I wouldn't characterize myself as such," Sheldon stated primly, "But I imagine others might."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think... Whatever, you know? That's cool I just didn't expect... Have you, you know, with a guy?"

Sheldon gave a quick, negative head shake.

"With a girl?"

Sheldon nodded.

"No way! Who? When?"

That earned Howard a glare. Sorry genitals, he doesn't want to talk about it.

"Never mind. Have you told Leonard?" Howard really would kick Leonard in the ovaries if he'd been sitting on this little piece of info.

"About what?"

"About the new Harry Potter movie... About you being into guys!"

"No, I have reason to believe it would be detrimental to our friendship."

"Why? It's not like Leonard's going to give you a swirly for being gay. He a modern guy, he's not going to think just because you're gay you want to hook up with him... Oh. You want to hook up with Leonard. I can't believe this conversation actually got weirder."

Sheldon twitched and fidgeted, unable to get comfortable even in his "spot". Howard put a friendly hand on Sheldon's arm and pretended not to notice the way Sheldon leaned his entire body away from the touch.

"For what it's worth, if you really want to have sex with Leonard, he'll knuckle under eventually. That's his nature. It's kind of the bedrock of your friendship."

Sheldon looked appropriately horrified. Howard was torn between his loyalty to Leonard and his sympathy for a guy who couldn't tell the difference between lust and indigestion. How could Sheldon possibly put the moves on someone? In the end, sex was to Howard as the left side of the couch was to Sheldon. Howard Wolowitz could also remember a time, years and years ago, when he'd been awkward and sexually inexperienced. Before he'd figured out where to find hookers in LA.

"C'mere. All you need to do is make the first couple of moves and Leonard will take it from there. Kiss me."

He was prepared for an argument but Sheldon screwed his eyes shut and pressed his tightly clenched lips to Howard's.

"Good try. Now, this time, try not to look disgusted by the idea of physical contact."

Sheldon shot him a baleful look. It was a lot to ask. This time Howard kissed Sheldon. He pressed his lips gently to the stone wall that was Sheldon's mouth. Eventually, the lanky physicist began to relax. Howard nibbled at his lips and stroked his jaw until Sheldon opened his mouth. Surprisingly, he allowed Howard's tongue access and even caressed the invading tongue with his own.

Howard felt sure that anyone walking in the room two minutes ago when he started kissing Sheldon would think, 'Why is that short man teaching that tall man how to kiss? Is that tall man an alien?" Now that they were playing tonsil hockey, they might actually look like a couple of guys making out.

It was time to decide how weird he wanted this to get. Then Sheldon made the decision by dragging Howard into his lap so he was on his knees straddling Sheldon's legs. It worked a lot better with the height difference so, well done, Sheldon.

Sheldon's hair was amazingly soft. He had a really healthy head of hair. His lips were soft. Sheldon's commitment to lip balm with sun screen was paying off. And that big erection pressing against Howard seemed pretty damn healthy as well.

Could Howard really do this? Do him? Of all his male friends, Sheldon is the last guy... Yeah, the last guy. Even Captain Sweatpants seemed a more likely candidate. Lonely Larry would be so grateful for the human contact... but Sheldon? Howard was the reason Sheldon implemented the friendship refresher course, and later made it available for download. Did Howard even like the man he was nearly dry humping on a couch?

In Sheldon's spot. That had potential.

Howard moved his lips along Sheldon's jaw and was surprised to hear a gasp from his strange friend. Who would have thought Sheldon Cooper got horny? He worked his way down the slim neck as he slid his hand between their bodies. He hesitated over Sheldon's crotch. The odds were probably 50/50 that Sheldon would balk and leave Howard hanging as soon as they got into anything serious. Sheldon pulled Howard's hand the rest of the way until he was holding the taller man's erection through his plaid trousers. Sheldon rested his forehead against Howard's chest and held Howard's hand still.

"Howard?"

"Why are you whispering?"

"If Leonard was in on your plan to 'mess with me' then it's unlikely that he is wearing my noise-canceling headphones. He, in fact, might walk out here at any time in an effort to..."

Howard silenced him with another deep kiss. Humping and groaning and petting aside, once Sheldon started talking he was... well, he was Sheldon and that was not going to work.

He gave Sheldon a gentle squeeze. Sheldon moaned but he was still thinking clearly enough to pull out his cell phone. He was sending a text message. Howard wondered what Sheldon could possibly be texting to Leonard. Probably "Engaging in coitus, more info to follow" or "In re: the roommate agreement article 57 paragraph..."

Sheldon put his phone back in his pocket and placed his long fingered hands on Howard's thighs. He worked them up incrementally at a painfully slow pace. Once he was almost where Howard needed him, Howard's conscience kicked in. Son of a brisket.

"Sheldon, you get that you've already been forgiven and I don't expect you to put out."

"Yes, you made that clear," Sheldon answered, his hands frozen on Howard's thighs.

"Are you sure you want to do this? With me? I don't want you to feel..."

"And you claim that I talk too much."

"Fine, have it your way."

Howard kissed Sheldon deeply and pressed his erection to Sheldon's. Long fingers gripped his legs as Sheldon began thrusting himself into the contact. Wow, what a horn dog. You think you know someone.

Howard heard his cell phone beep. He would bet even money that Leonard had just forwarded him Sheldon's text.

Now that they were on the same page and Howard was on Sheldon, he wasn't sure how to proceed. As the experienced member of this little duo, he should be taking the lead. Instead, he was getting tossed around and humped. He finally knew how his Alf doll felt when the neighbor dog got ahold of him. He felt amazing!

Sheldon moved his hands to Howard's backside, squeezing and kneading and pulling Howard's crotch tightly to his own. Howard knew what to do.

He unbuttoned his own pants first, hoping Sheldon would follow his lead. Instead, Sheldon just stared at Howard's exposed member with a charming amount of awe. Howard wrestled with the other man's trousers but eventually, he had a heaping handful of Sheldon. He reminded Sheldon to breath and the physicist gasped and shook his head.

"I've never experienced a sensation of arousal so over-whelming."

"Aw shucks, " snorted Howard as he wrapped his hand around himself and Sheldon, "I bet you say that to all the boys."

"What- gah- boys? I -oh- already informed you..."

Howard silenced him with his tongue. While Leonard has never expressed a desire to have sex with another man, he had frequently and volubly longed for a way to shut up Sheldon. Maybe Howard was doing them both a favor.

He gently worked their erections, trying to drag things out but Sheldon was getting- surprise- demanding. He kept squirming and thrusting up at Howard and moaning into his mouth. He had one hand tangled in Howard's hair while the other had a vice like grip on Howard's tush. As Howard increased his speed, Sheldon pulled away from the kiss and held Howard's forehead tightly to his own. He let out a small whimper before spilling his seed all over Howard's hand. Howard was about to finish himself off when Sheldon more or less tossed him onto the couch and took Howard in his mouth. Howard almost came at the first touch of those lips but after thinking about everything Sheldon had ever done to piss him off, he was able to relax for a moment. Sheldon held Howard's hips firmly in place while he licked up and down his erection. Howard watched in amazement and found himself looking into Sheldon's questioning eyes. They were still dilated, barely a trace of blue around his pupils. His cheeks were flushed, there was sweat on his hairline.

"Holy fuck, Sheldon. You look hot."

Sheldon gave him a look of friendly befuddlement and took Howard's cock so far down his throat that Howard lost his mind.

He came in Sheldon's mouth.

Sheldon was sitting up in his spot, tucking himself back into his pants.

Howard was on his back, not an inch of him touching Sheldon's precious cushion.

"So... I hope that was helpful. I'll just be getting on my hog and..."

"In your experience, does a first kiss typically end in coitus?"

"It does with hookers."

Sheldon went fetal.

"I'm kidding! Well, not really but it's different for guys."

"Why?"

"I don't know. It just is. Guys can do stuff with each other and it doesn't have to be a big thing."

"On what evidence are you basing your conclusion?"

"Porn. Maxim. Having a penis. So just say that we're good and I'll be on my way and you can... decide what you want to do."

Sheldon looked at Howard thoughtfully, "Thank you, Howard. I have underestimated the value of your friendship in the past. It is a mistake I don't intend to repeat."

"Thanks. Your friendship is important to me, too," replied Howard as he cleaned his hands off with a baby wipe from Sheldon. He couldn't help feeling the scene would have been more bromantic if he had his penis inside his pants. Then again, you can't go around waiting for perfect opportunities. Otherwise you ended up losing your girlfriend because of a creepy dude posing as a hot troll or buying noise-canceling headphones so you don't have to hear the man you love banging the girl next door.

"Howard, I hate to bring this up..."

"Say what you need to say, Sheldon. I'm listening."

"This," he said pointing at his own mouth, "is strike three. You'll need to take the class again."

"Go brush your teeth with bleach. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow."

Sheldon was off the couch and in the bathroom before Howard finished his sentence.

On his way to his scooter, he checked his text message. It was a forward from Leonard.

"Tier one friendship request. Please stay in your room."


	2. Chapter 2

Leonard waited in his room for Sheldon to run out of hot water.

When the shower stopped, he stood poised to attack at his bedroom door so he could 'accidentally' run into Sheldon and ask him... He should come up with some questions in advance. "What the hell?" "What the fuck?" and "Are you kidding me?" were unlikely to get him the answers he wanted.

Did he want answers? Surely ignorance is bliss.

Not for a physicist. He needed answers, no matter how disturbing those answers might be.

He could have been a little more casual as he walked out of his room. Leapt out of his room. Sheldon jumped back in terror, covering his face with his arms.

"It's okay, Sheldon! It's just me, Leonard!" why was he yelling?

Sheldon pressed himself against the wall as he tried to scoot around Leonard, his eyes wary.

Leonard blocked his escape route, "So, Howard..."

"Has accepted my apology and we are 'all good' to use the popular vernacular. Good night, Leonard."

He dropped the last vestige of pretense and physically blocked the entrance to Sheldon's room.

"So you and Howard... talked it out?"

"Indeed. It was an illuminating conversation. I would like to go into my bedroom and go to sleep now."

"I know, but once I let you in there, you're going to start harping on how I can't be in your room so you're staying out here for a while."

Sheldon gave a heavy sigh.

"Why don't we go in the living room, I'll heat you up some milk and we can talk."

"Very well," sighed Sheldon as he began to walk, rather forlornly, towards the living room. Leonard smiled and began to follow. Then the lanky bastard spun around and was in his room before Leonard knew what was happening.

"Sheldon! We need to talk about what just happened..."

"People aren't allowed in my room, Leonard! You are in flagrant violation of the roommate agreement and on the verge of your THIRD strike!"

A half hour went by and Leonard had no answers AND he had to take the class again.

Sheldon lay in his bed, curled up on his side, wide awake. His thoughts were barely thoughts. They were thoughtlets. Half formed ideas and images chasing each other around in a murky pool of prurience. It was puberty all over again. Years spent creating an elaborate network of sublimation to funnel all those unwanted thoughts away from his consciousness and into less threatening obsessions, all undone by Wolowitz.

And for what? One mind-blowing orgasm? The taste of Howard's mouth and... His career was over. He would never be able to think straight again. Sheldon pulled his pillow over his head as though he could block the carnal images from entering his mind.

"Just answer me one question..."

"No questions and this is your last warning, Leonard."

"I already have three strikes, Sheldon. What are you going to do? Be more not my friend?"

They drove the rest of the way to work in silence.

At lunch, Howard never stopped talking. He flitted from topic to topic seeming totally comfortable carrying the conversation himself. Raj sat with his mouth hanging open staring at Howard, then Sheldon and then back to Howard. Howard must have told Raj what had gone down the previous night. Now only Leonard was out of the loop. Sheldon stared at his food, occasionally making encouraging noises to Howard.

"This is ridiculous! Let's just talk about what happened..."

"I said no," snapped Sheldon, not looking up from the mashed potatoes he was forming into a happy face.

"Come on, we're best friends..."

"Were. You are currently on probation," Sheldon retorted. He was giving his mashed potatoes an angry face now.

Leonard fumed. So that's how it was going to work. He could ask Howard or Raj but some irrational part of his brain (that he had no urge to analyze) called bullshit. Sheldon owed it to Leonard to be honest. He shoved his nose into Leonard's personal life, not out of curiosity, but because he needed to know, understand and control everything around him. Leonard's bedroom had never been off limits to Sheldon literally or figuratively.

"Sheldon. How _off-ten_ are we going to go through this?" he asked.

Sheldon looked at Leonard for the first time that day, his blue eyes a steel glare.

"How _off-ten_ are we going to have these battles?"

"The word is often. Not off ten."

Howard and Raj unconsciously moved back from the table.

"I'm sorry Sheldon, does it bother you when I say _off-ten_? Does it make you _nauseous_?"

"You're being childish," snapped Sheldon, the king of maturity.

"What? I'm trying to _conversate_ with my friends. That's normal, isn't it. We could use a little _normalcy_ at this table."

"Oh no he didn't," murmured Howard.

Sheldon grabbed his tray of uneaten but well-played with food and stormed off.

Leonard felt embarrassed by his childishness and guilty for upsetting his friend. He also felt strangely satisfied.

"Dude, are you really going to get into it with Sheldon?" asked Raj, "He was ready to poison Kripke."

Leonard shrugged with feigned indifference, "I'm not afraid of Sheldon."

Sheldon stared at his white board while Raj stared at him.

His career was surely over. He couldn't think and Raj was hardly going to pick up the slack. Raj's stare was a constant reminder of what he was trying to forget. When he thought of going home and hiding, he thought of Leonard and his inexplicably provocative behavior at lunch.

The irony was, he finally understood what he should have done when speaking to the FBI. He should have just said Howard was responsible. The US government didn't have the same high standards as Sheldon. It wouldn't have mattered if he wasn't one hundred percent honest and thorough in his answers. If he were capable of time travel, he would go back to that interview and give all the right answers. Of course, he'd have to knock the Sheldon of that time period unconscious and hide the body. Would he then explain what happened to himself? Would it be better if he explained it to Leonard and let Leonard explain it to that Sheldon?

Oh, good Lord. His career was surely and truly over. He couldn't even work his way through a simple time travel paradox.

When Leonard finally knocked on his door to let him know it was time to go home, Sheldon realized a whole day had gone by and he'd accomplished nothing. Raj was still staring at him in amazement. Or maybe it was indigestion from the Salisbury steak. Facial expressions were not Sheldon's forte.

"Are you ready to go?" Leonard asked casually. He seemed to have recovered from his bizarre fit at lunch. Sheldon grabbed his coat and messenger bag.

"I burned myself with a laser," Leonard added holding up a bandaged finger, "Wanna see?"

Leonard had the band-aid off before Sheldon could turn away. Sheldon put his hands over his eyes in disgust.

"I'm kidding, Sheldon! My finger is fine. Look."

Sheldon wasn't about to fall for another trick and kept his eyes closed.

"His finger is fine," assured Raj. Sheldon hesitantly opened his eyes. Leonard looked the way he normally looked, apologetic.

"No more band-aids, buddy," Leonard gently assured, "I know they make you _nauseous_."

As soon as they arrived home, Leonard threw down his stuff and plopped himself down on the left side of the couch.

"Your sitting in my spot, Leonard."

"No, I'm sitting in my spot. I like sitting here in the summer because there's a wonderful cross breeze when I open window..."

"I have placed that spot in a state of eternal dibs!"

"No. You placed your lawn chair in a state of eternal dibs. I bought this couch."

"I have been sitting in that spot for nearly seven years..."

"Because I let you. Because we were friends. Now it's fair game. Feel free to sit in my lumpy chair, though."

Sheldon felt a wave of panic coming on. There had been minor Leonard uprisings in the past but nothing this contentious.

He was sitting in Sheldon's spot! A wave of nausea moving through his stomach. As adrenaline started pumping through his veins, his mind suddenly became clear. He sat down at Leonard's lap top. Kal-el. Leonard had left his current research paper up on the desktop.

"What are you doing, Sheldon?"

Leonard was working on an appendix. Page after page of formulas.

"Get away from my lap top!"

A simple hunt and replace, perhaps replacing y with a, hit save and it would be easier for Leonard to re-write the whole section than go through correcting each formula. He could reek similar havoc on his references.

Leonard jumped off the couch to physically stop Sheldon who took the opportunity to make a run for his spot. Sheldon hit the ground. Leonard had tackled him. This is what they were reduced to? Physicists using football techniques to work through their disagreements?

Sheldon started crawling to his spot but Leonard was holding on, trying to get completely on top of his roommate. His slight frame was hardly a deterrent, even for someone as lacking in upper body strength as Sheldon. No, the problem wasn't Leonard's weight. Having his roommate holding his waist, his body pressed to Sheldon so close to where... Sheldon tried to shake the disturbing images from his head.

"Get off me!"

"No! Give in for once!"

"Never!"

"Why are you so stubborn!"

"I'm not stubborn, I'm RIGHT!"

Leonard was working his way up. His right arm was around Sheldon's chest, he could feel Leonard's breath in his ear. It was too much. Sheldon threw himself on his back, crushing Leonard underneath him, the back of his head making contact with Leonard's face.

"You crazy bastard!"

Leonard wasn't letting go.

The door opened and Penny was standing over them, hands on her hips. Sheldon had seen that expression on his mother's face a million times. He knew he was in trouble.

Penny was dumbfounded. She was used to hearing the boys next door fight. She'd even seen their fights get physical. Hell, they'd ended up in a wrestling match while Leonard was in bed with Penny. From across the hall she could tell this fight was different. They didn't sound annoyed with one another, they sounded angry.

Now Sheldon was sitting in his spot, his whole body twitching, his eyes darting around and Leonard was in his chair holding a tissue to his bloody nose literally shaking with anger.

"Now who wants to tell me what the hell is going on here? And," she added preemptively, "the first person who says 'he started it' will feel my corn-husking wrath."

They both closed their mouths at her warning.

"Really, guys? A combined IQ of 300 and this is..."

"360." They said it in unison and then glared at one another.

"Let me repeat: Really? A couple of so-called geniuses screaming at each other and rolling around on the floor like children? Again? Do I need to pull up your youtube collection? Because you guys are all over my favorites!"

The men lowered their heads, at least they had the decency to be embarrassed.

"Now someone tell me what happened."

"He started it!" For two people in the middle of a fight, it was amazing how in synch they were.

"Let me get this straight. Sheldon has a secret but it's not really a secret because he told you about it before it happened but now that it has happened, he's being secretive about whatever happened. Is that about right?"

Leonard thought it over and nodded.

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I dated a guy who thought beer pong should be an Olympic sport! Oh my god! Are we talking about..." Penny knew she had to tread carefully, "Are we talking about biology?"

Penny wasn't sure it their heads flew up because she had hit the nail on the head or because she had made a Star Trek reference.

"Come on, guys. Is this about... Sheldon biology?" Sheldon looked ready to bolt. Ding, ding, give the pretty lady a prize. Sheldon was finally going through pon farr.

"This is nobody's business. I am ending this conversation," Sheldon snapped standing up. Penny physically blocked his way.

"Not a chance, Sheldon. You have never had a problem discussing Leonard's sex life or my sex life or walking in on our sex life and yelling at Leonard for adjusting the thermostat."

Sheldon glared at the petite blonde but he sat down.

"I don't need to know any details... was it Amy?" she took Sheldon's horrified look as a no, "I don't need any details but you told Leonard you were planning to have sex with someone, apparently did? You can neither confirm nor deny that you had sex? Fine. And now Leonard is being difficult..."

"Atilla the Hun was 'difficult'. Leonard has gone insane!"

"Because he's pronouncing the t in often and using the word 'normalcy'? I thought normalcy was a word..."

"It is," Leonard interjected, "it's in the dictionary. Look it up."

Sheldon shook his head in disgust.

"I give up. Why the frack are the two of you fighting?"

"Sheldon is mad that I'm not playing by all his stupid rules and knuckling under to his every demand and I won't take his friendship refresher course. You know what, buddy?" Leonard suddenly turned on Sheldon, "I don't need your kind of friendship!"

Sheldon's face was impassive but Penny flinched.

"Leonard, you don't mean that..." she used her most soothing tone.

"No, I do," he turned back to Sheldon, "I don't want to be your friend. I am perfectly happy to be your acquaintance and colleague."

Sheldon nodded, "Very well. Thank you for your assistance, Penny. I think we have everything resolved."

Penny gave in. If they didn't care, why should she? She went home and cried at the first cell phone commercial she saw. Stupid boys.

Sheldon and Leonard were more or less civil to one another until Wednesday morning when Leonard took a long shower and shaved during Sheldon's bathroom time, resulting in them both being late for work. Leonard apologized saying he'd lost track of time and hadn't heard Sheldon's repeated pounding on the door and reminders of the time. Sheldon wasn't sure what social protocol they were following but he was grateful for Leonard's distance. He wished Raj and Howard would follow Leonard's lead but they insisted on trying to talk to him about "the other night." He shut them down at each attempt but they kept coming like Argonauts. Things finally came to a head on Halo night.

"Oh for the love of Benji, Leonard. We're on the same team!" Sheldon yelled as his avatar burned.

"Oops!" was his roommate's reply.

The second time Sheldon was killed by "friendly fire", he declared the game over and stood up. Leonard immediately slid into Sheldon's spot. Raj took an elbow (no one was ever sure whose) to the face as he and Howard pulled the two apart. Howard sent Leonard to his room to talk to Raj while he talked to Sheldon in the living room. Howard's voice was so authoritative that no one argued. He'd clearly learned a thing or two from Bernadette.

"Are you going to tell Leonard you're in love with him or do you want me to?" Howard asked when he heard Leonard's door close.

Sheldon's face was impassive, "Leonard and I are no longer friends. There's no reason for him to be kept abreast of any aspect of my life."

"Oh, man," wailed Howard, "Did you hear what just happened?"

"To what are you referring?" There was not a trace of emotion on Sheldon's angular face.

"I said you were in love with Leonard and you didn't argue with me. You didn't even point out love is a meaningless construct used to sell flowers, cards and expensive candy."

Sheldon's face was no longer impassive.

"Oh my god, dude, why are you harassing Sheldon?"

Leonard was sprawled face down on his bed but that comment made his head pop up.

"Me? Harassing him? Are you joking? Pronouncing the t in often is not harassment!"

"It is to Sheldon! You know how easily he gets stressed out. He needs his little rules to reduce his anxiety. Why am I explaining Sheldon to you. You're the one who explained him to me!"

"Yes and now, all of a sudden, everyone knows more about Sheldon than I do."

"In fact, you were the one to tell us he was asexual and that we shouldn't ask him questions or make him uncomfortable."

"What are you implying, Raj?" Leonard's voice was terse and his jaw was clenched.

"I'm implying that you built a closet around Sheldon because you aren't comfortable with his sexuality. Although it's not so much an implication now that I've said it straight out."

"Who says Sheldon is gay?"

"Sheldon for one."

Leonard was numb, "He said that?"

"Not in so many words..."

"Did he tell you?"

"He told Howard... More or less. This can't be a big shock, he did have sex with a guy. That's a pretty good indicator that a man is at least bi."

Leonard had nothing to say.

Raj sat on the bed and put a hand on Leonard's shoulder.

"Leonard, I've known you for a long time so I know that there has to be more to this story than 'Sheldon has sex with a guy and suddenly you hate him'. That's not you."

"How would you feel," Leonard snapped, angry at yet another Raj implication, "if Howard..."

"Had sex with a dude?" Raj finished helpfully, "I'd be shocked because he's practically my wife and suddenly he hits me with side of himself that I didn't know existed."

"At least he told you."

"Of course he told me! He's Howard. He won't shut up about his sex life. Did you really expect the same from Sheldon?"

Leonard buried his face back in his pillow.

"Bottom line, Leonard, Howard found out because he asked. I've known you for almost seven years and you've never asked me a personal question."

Leonard raised his head as though he were about to argue but Raj knew there was no argument to be made. It was demonstrable fact.

"I think I should go apologize to Sheldon."

"Leonard no longer has any respect for me."

"Sheldon, there is a big difference between respect and blindly following someone's unreasonable rules."

"Not in this house, there isn't!"

"Mr. Cooper, I'd like to speak to your son, Sheldon, now. Sheldon, are you there?"

Sheldon glared at Howard but he couldn't pretend he didn't see Howard's point. Perhaps he was being a tad... forceful? Controlling. Perhaps a tyrant.

Howard earned an even steelier gaze when he added, "Paging Dr. Freud! We just had a bad slip."

Leonard felt his cheeks flushing as he approached the living room. He felt foolish and mean. Why had he ever expected Sheldon to...

Howard was sitting on the couch next to Sheldon, his arm around his shoulder. Leonard turned around and went back to his room.

Sheldon felt uncomfortable being touched by anyone much less a man with whom he'd been- he scoured his mind for the least disturbing word- intimate.

He fought the instinct to retreat. Howard was trying to be friendly. Maybe Sheldon could be a little more flexible with his friends. The thought alone sent anxiety creeping up his spine. He heard Leonard's approaching footsteps. He caught a glimpse of his curly hair as he turned around and retreated again.

"I'll speak to Leonard. Thank you, Howard." Sheldon held out one finger. Howard smiled as he tapped it with his own.

Raj was standing over Leonard's prone form pretending to strangle him without actually touching the smaller man. He jumped when he saw Sheldon.

"May I speak to Leonard alone?"

"Of course, Sheldon. We'll get out of your way," Raj responded.

Sheldon waited until he heard the front door close to speak. He imagined their friends were probably right outside the door in case another fight broke out. Sheldon was glad. He was distinctly concerned that another fight was on its way.

"Leonard, there is something I need to say..."

"Actually, Sheldon, I think there's something I need to say first."

Sheldon was happy to stall.

Leonard dragged himself into a sitting position and patted his bed to indicate Sheldon should sit down, which he did with no small amount of hesitation.

"I've been a world-class asshole and I'm sorry. I was jealous that you shared a part of yourself with Howard that you didn't feel you could share with me and I see now that you had good reason to keep quiet. I didn't want Howard to replace me as your best friend."

"Don't be absurd, Howard's best friend will always be his mother."

Leonard laughed and stole a glance at Sheldon. There was no emotion in his friend's face but it wasn't a cold mask like it'd been for the last few days. It was just Sheldon's normal reserved look.

"Maybe I was... I wasn't just... I don't know if I can say this."

"Then spell it."

Leonard shook his head, "It's not that I don't know how to pronounce the words! It's just difficult... I'm attracted to you. I know you're uncomfortable hearing it, I'm uncomfortable saying it. I'm uncomfortable feeling it..."

Leonard forgot the rest of his thought when Sheldon's lips brushed against his own. For a second, he wondered if it was an accident. Then Sheldon gave him another incredibly gentle kiss on the lips. Leonard's immediate aching hard on felt like a rather tacky response to such a gentle show of affection. It was difficult to make eye contact with Sheldon, his eyes were darting around they way they had the first time they'd met. He thought of all those skipped heart beats over the years: The first time he saw Sheldon, the first time he saw Sheldon smile (nearly six months later), the day Sheldon asked "Are we friends now? Oh good. Mother will be pleased." There was barely a hint of blue in his dilated and wary eyes. His face was pinched with displeasure and flushed with desire. Leonard concluded Sheldon was turned on and not at all happy about it.

"Are we going to engage in coitus now?"

"Well... I guess there are numerous factors to consider," Leonard could barely hear his own voice over the pounding of blood in his ears. Sex with Sheldon. It had taken him a year to work up the courage to touch Sheldon on the shoulder. Another three months until Sheldon stopped flinching from said touch. He was close to hyperventilating.

"Has the sex already started?"

"There are things we should talk about," Leonard's voice was strained, "Boundaries to establish..."

"Oh, no. We have to keep talking about this?" Sheldon looked so distressed, Leonard laughed. Then he kissed Sheldon on the cheek. It was perfect and infinitely kissable cheek. There were so many things about his bat-crap crazy roommate that seemed perfect. He wondered if he could ever find a way to verbalize such a sappy honest feeling.

Sheldon kissed Leonard on the mouth again. This time he kissed longer and deeper, his tongue flicked at Leonard's closed lips until he opened his mouth and let Sheldon explore. His long fingered hand barely touched Leonard's hair. It seemed to hover in the air above the curls, just barely making contact. Leonard knew that 'dying of embarrassment' was not a physical possibility but it was cold comfort to a thirty-year-old man getting ready to come in his pants from someone playing with his hair. Why had he been so sure this was impossible? How had he let Howard beat him to the punch? The sudden stab of jealously made him feel bold. Soon he had Sheldon lying on the bed underneath him, he slipped his hand inside Sheldon's tee-shirts and explored his chest and belly. He'd never touched his friend in such an intimate way without vaporub on his hands. Quite a few skipped heartbeats could be attributed to a sick and needy Sheldon.

Sheldon stroked that wonderful mess of gelled curls. He was embarrassed to find himself moaning as Leonard brushed his fingers over his nipple. Leonard's thigh was inches away from Sheldon's erection and if he just shifted his position... no. He wasn't quite that bold. Howard was right, he was best off just initiating the kiss and letting Leonard lead from there. He certainly seemed to know what he was doing.

Sheldon kept one hand on Leonard's waist, his hand resting on the waistband of his jeans. When Leonard shifted position, he would suddenly feel bare skin where there had been tee-shirt. He even felt the waistband of Leonard's boxers. His roommate had always been so modest, so thoroughly clothed. The only time he'd ever seen Leonard's bare chest was that night at the north pole. The night the power went out.

He remembered the tortured feeling of being so close, smelling Leonard's hair and feeling it tickle his chin. He had been so painfully erect for so much of that night, he'd worried it was priapism and not just plain lust.

He slid his hand along the waistband of Leonard's boxers and then he slipped his fingers beneath the elastic. A moan from Leonard convinced him to continue. He lowered his hand until he was cupping a buttock. As if by its own volition, his hips raised and made contact with Leonard's thigh. He moaned so loudly at the longed for contact that he surprised himself. He was surprising himself a lot lately.

Sheldon was practically humping his leg while squeezing his ass. He shifted position and pressed his erection against Sheldon's. It was nearly too much. He wasn't sure what Sheldon expected from sex but Leonard was hoping for something other than dry humping with their shoes still on. He loved the unhappy noise his roommate made when he pulled away but Sheldon was complacent as Leonard tugged his shirts up and over his head and he took off his own shoes. By the time Sheldon untied both laces, Leonard was in his boxers. He felt anxious under Sheldon's gaze. He should have taken some pilates classes with Raj. Under his sweater vest, Raj really did look like sections of a Hershey bar. Sheldon didn't look like he was in any rush to pull off his own pants so Leonard pressed him to lie back down on the bed and and began unbuttoning the khaki slacks. He'd taken Sheldon shopping for these pants. His ever neurotic friend demanded that Leonard inspect each pair of pants he tried on thoroughly lest there be any inconsistency in the stitching that was not apparent on the rack. All those times over the years when Leonard had no choice but to stare at Sheldon's long legs, back side and crotch had been a delightful torture. Now he could just stare for the sake of concupiscence without any disguise.

"Quit staring at me, you're making me uncomfortable."

Oh, well.

Leonard stopped staring and crawled back on top of Sheldon and resumed their heated kissing. He didn't care for surprises and desperately wanted to ask Leonard what was going to happen but he couldn't think of the appropriate wording. His Christian upbringing made such inquiries difficult. He was content to let Leonard take the lead, he just wanted to know what to expect.

Leonard stroked the inside of his thigh, inches from where his erection was testing the tactile strength of his underwear. He let his own hands return to his new favorite places, Leonard's hair and backside. Leonard's finger slide into the leg of his underwear and stroked Sheldon's pubic hair. Sheldon stopped breathing. Leonard's hand stopped moving. Hmm. Sheldon untangled his hand from a mass of curls and guided his friend's hand farther until those wonderful fingers wrapped around his erection and began stroking. It was blissful and over all too quickly. He erupted in Leonard's hand sending aftershocks through his body. Leonard's kind brown eyes never left his face. Sheldon wanted to ask him again to stop staring but he was speechless.

Sheldon was trembling. Leonard kept his touch light as he caressed the spent member, knowing it would be sensitive. He belatedly pulled off Sheldon's underwear, tightie whities as usual. He tugged at the dark pubic hair, cupped and fondled his roommate like he'd imagined a million times during shame-filled fantasies. His hand explored lower, taking his time so Sheldon could stop him if he went too far but Sheldon seemed quite content. Using Sheldon's semen to ease the way, he was able to slide a finger inside without much difficulty. Two fingers worked as well but he needed real lubricant for three. Sheldon kept his eyes closed, he seemed to be enjoying it but Leonard had to ask.

"Am I hurting you?"

Sheldon opened his piercing blue eyes, "Do you honestly think I wouldn't tell you if you were?"

He looked disappointed in Leonard for asking foolish questions. Leonard taught his smug friend a lesson by working his prostate until he was whimpering and hard again.

He knew he was setting himself up for a lecture but there are somethings you can't take for granted.

"Is it okay if I fuck you?"

Sheldon's eyes were huge with shock. The Texan was so sheltered, maybe he hadn't even considered what Leonard was so crudely suggesting.

"I... have feelings..." it was so unlike Sheldon to struggle with words, "I might love you. I think I might... I probably love you."

"I am 99.05% certain I love you, Sheldon." He was actually 100% but he didn't want a lecture on hyperbole, he could allow the .05% chance for error.

It was the right thing to say because Sheldon was kissing him and pulling at Leonard's cock. It was the first time Sheldon had directly touched him and Leonard was worried things were going to be over before they began but finding and applying a condom was enough of a hassle to give him back some sense of control. He waited until he was sure he'd put the prophylactic on correctly before taking off his glasses. He hoped Sheldon was okay with their current position because he was going to have to be nose to nose with the taller man to read his expression but he'd learned over the years that constantly having to push glasses up a sweaty nose was a mood killer. Maybe he should give contacts another try. Maybe technology had improved enough that it wouldn't feel like he was putting ashtrays on his corneas.

He positioned himself between Sheldon's legs. His lean body spread out obscenely, a blur of milky white skin. He would wear ashtray sized contacts if Sheldon was going to allow him to keep doing this. This was worth seeing.

He took his time working his way in, despite Sheldon wrapping his legs around his waist and trying to speed things along. Leonard realized the bedroom might be the only place where he could safely defy Sheldon. Once he was all the way in, he paused to kiss Sheldon's pale neck. Perfect.

"Yes," Sheldon moaned, "perfect."

He must have said that out loud. Oops. He didn't correct Sheldon because, like his long beautiful neck, this was perfect. He kept his pace slow and gentle as long as he could but Sheldon was unbearably tight and he kept groaning obscenely in Leonard's ear. As he began to speed up, his thrusts became rougher and less rhythmic. So close. He worked Sheldon's cock to make sure Sheldon joined him. He only stroked twice before Sheldon covered his hand with his own and held it still. He continued to thrust until Sheldon came, his body taut, his muscles becoming a vice around Leonard. Leonard growled out his own orgasm and collapsed into his friend, panting.

"We should do this more often," he whispered in Sheldon's perfectly formed ear. He didn't even consider pronouncing the t in often.


	3. Chapter 3

Howard and Raj waited in the living room for a while to make sure another fight wasn't going to break out.

"How long should we wait?" Raj whispered.

"How should I know? I don't usually have to break up nerd fights. I usually just make some popcorn and enjoy the show."

"Why is Leonard being such a douche about all of this?"

"Maybe he has a thing for Sheldon," Howard offered with a shrug.

"No way! Leonard can't be gay, he's been chasing Penny for years."

"Sexuality is a continuum, Raj! Everyone is a little gay," when Raj looked dubious, Howard grabbed a dry erase marker and drew a line of Leonard's white board.

"On one end," Howard explained, "you have Ru Paul, on the other end you have my cousin Moische from Boston who won't look at his own penis 'cause he ain't no quee-ah'. Everyone else falls somewhere in between. On one side you've got guys who like guys but have done a girl like Sheldon and on the other side you've got guys like me who like girls but have done..."

"A Sheldon?" Raj added helpfully.

Howard glared but let it go, "Who knows where Leonard falls on the spectrum? Where do you fall?"

The question was casual but Raj's stomach clenched. He was grateful for the distraction of the very distinct noise of a headboard hitting a wall. Repeatedly.

The friends turned to each other, eyes huge, and then nearly fell over each other trying to get out of the apartment. Apparently, Sheldon and Leonard had made up.

Sheldon jerked awake. He was in a strange bed and he reeked of dried sweat. Why on earth had he gone to bed without taking a shower...

He was in Leonard's bed. Naked. With Leonard. Naked Leonard.

He'd wanted to take a shower but Leonard had wanted to talk.

However, Sheldon hadn't been ready for that conversation and Leonard was easy to distract. In fact, Leonard had found a far better use for his mouth as he trailed kisses down Sheldon's chest and stomach and settled between his legs.

Sheldon remembered whimpering and wrapping his fingers in curly dark hair and even though he was given ample warning, Leonard kept his mouth right where it was until Sheldon let out a strangled cry and...

Apparently fell asleep. One didn't need to be experienced in the ways of coitus to know that was poor form. Perhaps he should buy Leonard some flowers.

He'd google the protocol later. First he needed a shower. It was time to get ready for work.

Leonard was not overly surprised to wake up alone. It probably didn't mean anything.

He was still relieved to hear Sheldon's impatient "Let's go!" when he wasn't in the bathroom at his assigned time. Things were normal. Not _normal_ but when you lived with Sheldon, normal was a relative term.

Raj and Howard where in Leonard's office eating breakfast and waiting for him when he got to work.

Howard threw his hands in the air, "Mazol Tov!"

Leonard hung his head, "I'm not ready to be harassed about this, guys."

"Who's harassing?" asked Howard, "I hooked up with Sheldon, you hooked up with Sheldon, that means Raj is on deck."

Howard fixed his merry eyes on his Indian friend who glared back.

"If Sheldon's mother knew how often Sheldon made me kiss his ass at work, she'd be marching us down the aisle with a shot gun."

"I forgot about his mom!" Leonard wailed as he dropped into his chair.

"How could you forget Mrs. Cooper?" Howard asked, visibly appalled, "She is a total Miiiiilf!"

"She's going to hate me when she finds out. I don't want Mrs. Cooper to hate me."

"Not to mention the possibility that Sheldon could die during the ensuing exorcism," added Raj.

"You're not being helpful," snapped Leonard.

"I'm not trying to be helpful. All you jackasses are having sex with each other and now I'm the only one not getting laid."

"I don't get why you're freaking out, Leonard. You and Sheldon have been married for years. Who's going to notice a difference? Unless getting some action has mellowed Sheldon out..." offered Howard.

The three men contemplated a mellow Sheldon and burst out laughing.

Raj was sitting at the lunch table alone. Sheldon had chased him out of the office insisting he could hear Raj "moping".

He sadly pushed the food around on his plate. A week ago they'd all been dateless losers. Now Sheldon and Leonard were probably pair-bonded for life (Sheldon wasn't big on change) and Howard was a bi-sexual swinger. That left Raj alone.

And a little confused.

He felt a little better when Howard arrived.

"Slop on a rock day in the cafeteria. Yum," Howard announced sarcastically as he put down his tray.

"Why is it called 'slop on a rock' when it's chicken stew on a biscuit?"

"Seriously, you need that explained?"

Raj looked at Howard's plate, "No. I guess I can see it now."

"What's wrong? You look so sad and pathetic... and it's not even Friday night yet."

"Hilarious."

"Joking! Joking! What's wrong? Is Sheldon being... Sheldon?"

"No. He's actually able to work again. Apparently having sex with Leonard fixed whatever you did to his brain."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or an affront to my sexual prowess."

"Based on all the previous data collected, I'm going with the former."

Howard threw a pea at him.

During the car ride home, Sheldon gave Leonard a lecture about melanoma. Leonard had no one to blame but himself. He'd been the one to say, "Nice day."

They ran into Penny as they walked up the stairs. She was in sweat pants with her hair in curlers. Leonard assumed she was going to check her mail and not heading outside. Even on laundry day Penny usually left the curlers at home.

"Hey, guys! Did you kiss and make up?"

Sheldon's eyes widened incredulously.

"Penny, how on Earth are you already aware of the paradigm..."

"Shhhh...eldon, Penny was utilizing a popular colloquialism not suggesting actual osculation."

Sheldon nodded his understanding. Penny shook her head in confusion.

"What?"

"Leonard was just explaining your terminology to avoid a social blunder on my part." Sheldon made the statement with confidence but he immediately looked to Leonard to confirm its correctness.

Leonard gave a tight smile and nodded, "See ya later, Penny."

He was halfway up the flight of stairs before he realized Sheldon wasn't following him. He was talking.

"It's an amusing mistake as we did ultimately 'make up' and then kiss."

Penny's jaw was as close to the floor as it could be while remaining attached to her face. Leonard didn't have to be psychic to anticipate Penny's next statement.

"Leonard, can we talk?"

Penny's head was spinning. She could have misunderstood Sheldon's words, he was often hard to understand, but the look he had given Leonard's receding back was crystal clear. Sheldon Cooper had gotten his coitus on.

There were so many questions in her head but she chose the most important and pressing one to lead.

"What the frack?"

Leonard collapsed on to her couch and started tugging at his hair, "Ummm..."

"No meditation crap, I have a date in an hour. Spill!"

"It's a complicated story. It started with Sheldon running his mouth to the FBI about Howard..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that part skip to the kiss and make up part."

"Fine," Leonard snapped, "I'll skip the part where Sheldon and Howard had sex..."

"What?"

"Oh, now you want the back story? As I was saying..."

Leonard brought her up to date up to and including his admission to Sheldon of a long felt attraction.

"And...?"

"He kissed me."

"And...?"

He rolled his eyes, "You can guess the rest."

"Since this is Sheldon we're talking about, no I can't, but we'll let that slide for now. Another thing I'm going to let slide for the moment is the fact you wanted to sleep with your _roommate_ the whole time we were together. First, we'll focus on why you are pulling your hair out." She sat next to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not pulling my hair.." he looked at his hands, "Oh my god, I'm pulling my hair out! I haven't done that since junior high."

"Why are you so anxious? Is it the gay thing?"

"No! Well... No. Yes, partially but no. Maybe... It's not something I've totally come to terms with but..."

"You're pulling your hair again, sweetie."

Sheldon took off his jacket and hung up his messenger bag. He washed his hands. He turned on his lap top. Perhaps Leonard hadn't wanted to tell Penny about their relationship entering a carnal stage.

He pulled up the paper he was currently working on. Penny wanted to talk to Leonard about his new relationship. It was not uncommon among friends to discuss such matters.

He had a paper to finish.

Leonard leaned against the bathroom door while Penny pulled the curlers out of her hair.

"Sheldon doesn't want to talk about it. Sheldon! He wants to talk about everything under the sun. The whole way home he talked about the sun! When I tried to talk about it last night he kept interrupting me and... distracting me."

Penny raised her eyebrows and covered herself in a cloud of perfume.

"Is it that he won't talk about his feelings? Because he's not really a feelings guy..."

"He said he's pretty sure he loves me," Leonard smiled at the memory.

"Wow!"

Leonard averted his eyes as she slipped into her slinky dress.

"I'm not sure it really counts."

"Was it during sex?"

Leonard thought for a moment, "Yes."

"Why did you have to think about it? What were you doing?"

"Well, he was in the post-coital stage but I was still pre-coital..."

"Did you go down on him?"

"No, well later I did and that was a whole other weird thing but i hadn't yet... Does it matter?"

"What?'

"Does oral sex really have anything to do with whether or not he meant it when he said he loved me?"

"What?"

"Why did you ask if I 'went down on' Sheldon?"

"I'm nosy. What was weird when you went down on him?'

"Are you just probing for salacious details?"

"If that means do I want to hear the dirty deets? then yes."

Leonard thought about it. He wasn't especially comfortable discussing sexual details with anyone much less an ex but on the other hand...

"He fell asleep. Immediately!"

"He left you hanging?"

"So to speak..."

"Tell that bastard he owes you flowers."

"Why won't he talk about us being in a relationship?"

"Did you guys, you know...?" She made an illustrative and very obscene gesture.

"Um..."

"That's a yes. And were you..." another obscene gesture.

"No."

"So you were..."

"Yes."

She gave him a slap on the back, "Good for you."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Why doesn't Sheldon want to talk about us... are you just being nosey again?"

"Yeah, and honestly, I'm kind of getting ramped up for my date."

"Really?"

"Don't look at me like that! You wouldn't want to hear about it if I hooked up with another girl?"

"Well, yeah but you're a girl and me and Sheldon are... Me and Sheldon."

Penny gave him a lascivious eyebrow wiggle, "It's so wrong it's right. Don't blush. You're my new gay best friend. Come help me pick out shoes and tell me intimate details about your sex life."

"I still don't know anything about shoes."

Penny looked at his outfit, "I guess it doesn't happen over night."

Leonard returned from Penny's nearly an hour later. He smelled of perfume, his cheeks were flushed, his hair was mussed and there was lipstick on his cheek. Sheldon kept working. Leonard took a shower before they met Raj and Howard for dinner. It was anything can happen Thursday.

Howard was eying a pretty red head at a table across the room. She was way out of his league but he couldn't help thinking that if he had just the right opening line...

"Howard, back me up! You're an engineer. Tell Sheldon if you did put a time travel device in a sports car..."

He was barely listening to Raj as he spoke. He was busy staring at his friend's full lips. His eyes were almost black as though he were perpetually aroused. He really was a delicious caramel.

"The flux capacitor is why I became an engineer. I'm not going to argue against it's feasibility."

Raj looked wounded. Howard had a sudden urge to kiss him, taste those lips...

He turned back to the red head and watched her cross her long bare legs.

Sheldon took his evening shower and prepared a warm cup of milk. Leonard came into the kitchen tugging on the sleeves of his robe. Sheldon was given to understand that was a sign of nervousness in his long time friend. He waited for Leonard to speak but the shorter man remained silent as he watched Sheldon drink his milk. When he began to wash the cup out, Leonard came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Sheldon's waist.

"Do you want to..." Leonard's voice trailed off mid-question.

"Do I want to what?'

Leonard remained quiet and just as Sheldon was about to repeat his question, he felt Leonard's hand straying below his waist.

His roommate was suggesting sexual intercourse. Sheldon sighed in relief.

"Let me brush my teeth and I'll meet you in your bedroom. I assume you've changed the sheets?"

Leonard sat on his bed and waited for Sheldon to join him. Sheldon wanted to continue the sexual relationship so that was one less thing to be worried about. Except if things didn't work out, he would lose his boyfriend, best friend and roommate in one fell swoop... He was pulling his hair out again.

Sheldon was standing in his doorway, his hands in the pockets of his robe looking pensive.

"What's up, buddy?"

Sheldon made an unhappy face, "We need a protocol."

"What?"

"We need to draw up a protocol or perhaps create an algorithm for these encounters."

"You don't need a protocol for sex."

"Maybe you don't. Should I take my clothes off? All of them? Just my robe? Should I get on the bed with you or is it customary to wait for an invitation..."

"Wow! Sheldon, you really think way too much!"

"What kind of talk is that for a physicist?"

Leonard was panting beneath him. He no longer seemed to be in any condition to give advice beyond moaning "yes" and "Sheldon".

Sheldon still had questions. Leonard had divested both of them of their clothes except for his boxer shorts. Did he want to keep them on or was it Sheldon's responsibility to take off his partner's underwear? He wondered if Penny would be able to offer him advice. She was oddly sensitive when it came to discussing her vast sexual experience and expertise.

Sheldon stroked the inside of Leonard's thigh while he kissed his strong jawline. He'd always been attracted to that jaw. It bordered on heroic.

When his fingers slide beneath the material of the cotton boxer shorts, his roommate shuddered. Surely that was a good sign. He ghosted his hand over the engorged genitals causing Leonard to buck his hips, forcing a stronger contact.

"Patience is a virtue."

Leonard growled and used his hand to wrap Sheldon's around his shaft.

"Oh, Sheldon."

It was barely a whisper but it rang in Sheldon's ears. He thought of the mauve lipstick on Leonard's cheek and began to move his hand in earnest.

"Oh, Sheldon. Oh... I'm going to come..."

Leonard grimaced as his seed spilled over Sheldon's hand. Leonard offered to get him a baby wipe and while he was touched by the thoughtfulness of the gesture, he was a man on a mission. He moved his hand to that tight ring of muscle. Leonard's eyes were wide but he spread his legs slightly.

He spent ten minutes preparing Leonard to be penetrated for roughly 50 seconds of intercourse. The sensation was too strong, Leonard was too tight and too beautiful and Sheldon was too inexperienced. Leonard remained wide eyed through out and whispered, "that was amazing" when it was over.

"Sarcasm?"

"No."

The second attempt was much more successful.

Raj was unhappy about how well he was getting to know Sheldon. He immediately saw the tension in Sheldon's shoulders. Asking Sheldon a question was always a dangerous proposition, one that might lead you to spend the rest of your day being lectured.

"What's wrong, Sheldon?"

"I think our anticipated gravity might be..."

"Not with the formula. What's wrong with you? You look upset."

Sheldon grimaced, he hated talking about feelings. He hated having feelings.

"I've been... At what point in a relationship does one address the issue of monogamy?"

"Dude, I am so not the guy to help you with that," Raj laughed, a little more bitterly than he'd intended, "I think you can just assume Leonard's not going to be sleeping with anyone else."

Sheldon grimaced.

"You think he's going to sleep with someone else?"

Another, slightly different grimace.

"You think he's already slept with someone else? When? This morning? Yesterday?"

Raj was joking but he saw the sudden droop in Sheldon's shoulders. No two people who weren't married should know each other this well.

"Leonard has sex like twice a year, why would you think he was hooking up with someone at the same time as he was hooking up with you? Who do you think..."

"He went to Penny's apartment yesterday after I inadvertently revealed Leonard and I had entered into a sexual relationship."

"Inadvertently?"

"She had used a colloquialism that led me..."

"Not important. Leonard and Penny talk all the time! That's nothing to be worried about."

"He returned an hour later smelling like perfume, with lipstick on his cheek and he immediately took a shower."

"Leonard did not have sex with Penny, that's..." he wanted to say impossible, "improbable."

Sheldon never picked up on social cues but he picked up on Raj's pause. His shoulders were so tight Raj was surprised he could still move his arm to write.

"We'll ask him and he'll tell us we're crazy," Sheldon did not look convinced, "Worst case scenario, you tell him you want a monogamous relationship starting now."

Raj excused himself and practically ran to Howard's office. The department was turning into Melrose Place.

"Dude, Sheldon thinks Leonard hooked up with Penny last night! What is happening to us? We never used to have sex!"

"You still aren't having sex," Howard pointed out, unnecessarily.

Raj felt disproportionately wounded by the statement. He really was on the outside now.

Howard looked concerned and patted his arm, "I'm kidding! We're all still losers! Now let's go talk to Leonard."

Howard put his hand on Raj's back and steered him down the hall. Raj didn't remember the last time he'd actually gotten work done. Even at times like this, when he felt lonely and different, he loved living in America.

Leonard was in the middle of tedious data entry and happy to be distracted.

"What's up?"

"Did you have sex with Penny yesterday?" Howard asked without preamble.

"Sheldon thinks you're already screwing around on him," Raj added accusingly.

Leonard's laugh died in his throat, "Wait, are you guys serious?"

Raj and Howard exchanged a look, Raj continued in a conciliatory tone, "We knew you didn't but there's been so much drama lately and Sheldon is having sex... I don't know what to believe any more."

Raj filled Leonard in on Sheldon's concerns. Leonard pulled out his phone and sent Sheldon a text.

_Penny was getting ready for a date with some other guy. She asked me a bunch of inappropriate questions and kissed me on the cheek on her way out._

He hit send.

_I don't want anyone but you._

He hit send before he could chicken out.

Howard was shamelessly leaning over Leonard's shoulder and reading every word.

"Leonard, you are so gay."

When his phone beeped, Leonard was careful to hide the screen from prying green eyes as he read the incoming text. Whatever it said, it made Leonard smile.

Raj walked Howard back to his office.

"So we've save the Shelnard," Howard announced grandly.

"The Leldon."

"Shellen?"

"Hofstooper?"

"Coopstadter?"

"Dr. Shellen Leeleakey Hofstooper, " Raj announced in an authoritative tone.

"I will give you ten bucks to use that in front of Sheldon," Howard promised, his green eyes lit up with laughter. He had such startling green eyes.

Raj tried to reply but his voice caught in his throat. Without a word, he scuttled back to his office to find a relaxed Sheldon shooting marshmallows into his mouth as he studied their whiteboard.


	4. Chapter 4

"It's so weird now that Leonard and Sheldon are a couple. Remember how the used to fight like cats and dogs? Now they can just hold hands and talk things out with mutual love and respect."

"What was that, Penny?" Howard yelled, "I can't hear you over the yelling!"

"Today is and always has been Halo night!" snapped Sheldon.

"Because you declared it Halo night and we all worked around you," retorted Leonard, "For six years! You can be flexible once in a while!"

"That is a lie and you know it, Leonard Hofstadter!"

Penny had suggested they go to a bar for Rock Band night. They liked Rock Band, she liked drinking, what could be better? She should have known. She'd been hoping some regular nookie would calm Sheldon down and in some ways it had, he was a little less twitchy, a little less germaphobic. On the other hand, he was even more bossy. Raj's theory (as told by Howard) was Sheldon was insecure about being in his first romantic relationship and needed to feel he still had control over something, ie his friends. Howard's theory was that Leonard "wasn't doing it right". Amy Farrah Fowler was certain penis size was a factor. Bernadette felt Sheldon was trying to maintain his feeling of being the dominant figure in his relationship with Leonard. Leonard thought Sheldon was a "fucking nutcase". Penny thought Sheldon had probably done enough changing in the past few weeks to last him a year. She was sympathetic but she was also craving a margarita.

"Sheldon, if you want to, you can stay behind," she said in an authoritative voice, "but we are going to Rock Band night and if you aren't there, we will form a band called 'Sheldon Cooper's Bifurcated Uvula' and when we win the trophy, that trophy will be inscribed with 'Sheldon Cooper's Bifurcated Uvula' for everyone to see."

Sheldon turned accusing eyes on Leonard, "You told her!"

"No one had to tell me, Sheldon, I've seen you yawn!"

Of course, Leonard told her.

There were only female bartenders so Raj had to whisper an order to Howard who repeated it to Penny who got their drinks. He really needed to learn to talk to women. He should be able to talk to Penny by now. She was practically "one of the guys" as the saying went and yet the idea of speaking in front of her without at least a thin barrier of intoxication between them was still terrifying.

One margarita later, he was on stage (shirtless) wailing Blondie's "Call Me" in falsetto while grinding his hips for some screaming ladies (lead by their 'hype woman', Penny). Penny gave him a kiss on the cheek as they accepted their "Crowd Favorite" trophy. He responded by tucking her head under his arm and giving her congratulatory noogies.

"Penny is a really good 'hype man'...'hype girl'?... 'hype person'?..."

"Oh my cow, dude, I have no idea what you are talking about," Raj yelled into his ear as he half dragged his Indian companion up the stairs to his apartment. Raj had hit the girlie drinks pretty hard.

"How Penny got all those girls screaming for you..."

"_I_ got all those girls screaming for me! With my sexy bod and my sexy voice..."

"And ripping off your sexy sweater vest. Yeah. You're a chick magnet."

Raj laughed hysterically and leaned even more heavily on Howard. He had refused to put his shirt back on saying his skin needed to breath. Howard was beginning to feel awkward about the situation. Raj hadn't even tried to hook up with one of his screaming fans, he just spent the evening leaning on Howard, knocking back drinks with tiny umbrellas and talking about what a ladies' man he had become. Howard had pointed out a ladies' man should probably try talking to some ladies which led Raj to give him a sad look and ask, "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

He had been trying to do just that so he could talk to some girls fresh from their Rock Band victory but instead he stayed at the table with Raj's head on his shoulder.

Howard unlocked the door and dragged the taller man to the bedroom.

"Do you think Leonard and Sheldon are doing it right now?"

Howard rolled his eyes, "How would I know? Probably... although it is past Sheldon's bed time."

"I can't believe they're doing it."

"I can't believe Sheldon's 'doing it' with anyone. I was really starting to think my mitosis theory was going to win me twenty bucks..."

"Sheldon did it with you."

"And I still don't believe that happened."

"Was it good?"

Howard lowered Raj onto his bed and started pulling off his shoes, "I don't think we should talk about that."

"Why? You tell me everything."

"Yeah, but most of that is made up."

"Did you like it?" Raj's voice was low and his eyes were completely black in the low lighting. Howard couldn't think of an answer.

Raj was pulling him by the arms towards the bed and repeated, "Did you like it? Would you do it again?"

Howard tried to resist but in his drunker ardor, Raj pulled him off balance and on to the bed. On top of Raj.

"Oh my, look at the time. I'd better get going..." Howard tried to climb off his half naked friend but Raj held him tight.

"Howard..."

"Yeah?"

Raj reached up to close the space between them and kissed him.

"Raj," he tried to keep his tone light but his throat was closing, "you have had waaaaay to much to drink."

"I like you, Howard."

"I like you, too, Raj. You are my best friend and that's why I need to leave."

"Just try it with me once, I won't ask again..."

Howard dropped his head into the dark skinned shoulder and tried to imagine his mother's voice as his conscience told him all the reasons he needed to leave._You__wanna__have__sex__with__that__Indian__boy__after__he's__been__drinking?__What__kind__of__boy__have__I__raised?__Are__you__trying__to__kill__your__mother?__What__are__you__Don__Juan__all__of__a__sudden?_

Raj was still talking, "I won't have the nerve to ask again. I'm always afraid..."

"I thought you liked girls."

"You know I don't like girls. I want to like girls, I try to like girls and with enough to drink I can be with a girl..." Raj's voice trailed off as he began kissing Howard along the jawline.

What he was saying wasn't that surprising, the fact that he was finally saying it out loud was simply astonishing. For years Howard had been giving Raj openings, trying to let him know it was okay but his friend ignored every cue. Eventually Howard had begun to believe that Raj really was just a heterosexual male with girl issues and any hint otherwise had been wishful thinking.

"Why are you suddenly interested in sex with me? We've been friends for years..."

"Always interested. Just scared." Raj moved his hand between their bodies and cupped Howard's erection.

It was getting harder to be the clear-headed one.

It couldn't get much harder.

Raj was pulling at the bottom of Howard's shirt.

"When did you start feeling attracted to me? When I told you about Sheldon? Are you just jealous?"

"Ugh, why are you still talking? You wear pants that look like you had to be sewn into them! I was turned on by you before I saw you from the front."

Howard knew his personal style would pay off someday. Even if it took seven years for a nervous ninny to man up and admit he'd fallen under the acquired taste that is, Howard Joel Wolowitz.

Howard began to return Raj's kisses in earnest and ran his hands along his friend's surprisingly muscular body. He was gonna break off a piece of this chocolate bar... That was so good he had to say it out loud.

"Dude! I was going to make that joke!"

"You snooze, you lose."

Howard was promptly tossed on his back and Raj began tugging at Howard's skin tight pants. It was a fight but soon enough he was down to his underwear and a dicky. Raj was kissing his chest, licking at his nipples and stroking him through his silk briefs. He was ready to stoke out from the stimulation. This couldn't be good for his heart murmur...

"Maybe I should have brought this up early, Howard, but..."

"But what?"

"I have no clue what to do. I mean I have a clue but... I know what to do like Sheldon knows how to swim."

Howard chuckled, imagining Raj thrashing about on the floor. "Just do whatever you feel like doing. There's no specific algorithm to follow."

Raj looked thoughtful and then he pulled down Howard's underwear. Howard prayed that Raj was going to do what he thought he was going to do and... Hallelujah! Raj's lips were wrapping around the head of Howard's erection. He was going to suggest they let Raj keep the trophy for "Crowd Favorite" because he sure deserved it. That was a good one, he said it out loud. Raj pinched his hip and mumbled something along the lines of "shut up".

Raj couldn't believe he was actually doing what he was doing. Best. Halo. Night. Ever. Better than the time the batteries died in Sheldon's controller and they'd all fragged him while he tried frantically to replace them. This was waaaay better.

Howard was gripping his hair hard enough to hurt and moaning obscenely.

"Raj, you deserve to be in People magazine again. Front page."

He worked his friend's shaft with his hand while he bobbed his head in a separate rhythm. He was trying to remember every blow job tip he'd ever read on the internet. He knew one more... maybe? Maybe not. Worth a try? Why not?

Raj licked his finger and began to press it against Howard's tight ring of muscle.

"Oh dear lord, I am going to actually die."

It sounded like a good thing. He only moved his finger in and out for a few minutes before he could see Howard's entire body tensing. He was trying to keep three separate rhythms now and it was kind of exhausting but this was the grand finale. This was what he'd been waiting for. Howard's body lifted off the bed as he came in Raj's mouth. Raj was shaken by the intensity. He also suddenly felt pretty weird about where his hands were. Howard had his hands over his face and had tucked himself into a ball. That might be a bad thing.

"Howard?"

"Ugh. I think that orgasm may have caused me neurological damage."

Howard was fine. Raj stroked his friend's hip and waited for him to unfurl. He was still painfully hard but he didn't want to be pushy considering what Howard had already allowed. There were so many things he wanted to do with Howard. Do to Howard. Have Howard do to him. Right now he'd be happy to masturbate looking at Howard's back. Mmmm... no, better to give Howard a few more minutes.

Howard waited for some of the muscles in his body to unclench so he could roll over. Damn. Raj was half dressed and fully hard. Damn! He looked so hot and sexy and not at all like a respected astrophysicist. Who would have thought all that was under those ugly sweater vests and who would have guessed the brain under that hot body?

"So, Raj."

"Yes?"

"You wanna fuck me?"

Raj's eyes rolled back in his head and he flopped back on the bed.

"Um, is that a yes, Raj?"

"I'll warn you now, I'm about halfway there already."

"That's fine. I'll close my eyes and think of the queen while you do your business."

Raj seemed to like the suggestion because he was on top of Howard in a second.

Raj's hand was a little shaky as he tried to prepare Howard. This was big! And, well, he wasn't exactly small. He wished he were better at double entendres. Howard was hugging his knees and seemed obscenely relaxed.

"Have you ever done this before?"

"Not with a man," Howard replied.

"I meant, have you ever... been penetrated... by... another person..." It would be easier if he were better with curse words.

"Yes. But not with a man."

"I don't understand..."

"Well, she had this thing with a belt..."

"Holy cow, Howard. You are such a freak."

Howard smiled and wiggled his eyebrows, "Thanks for noticing."

Raj felt an iota less nervous as he lined himself up and made his first attempt. Howard wrapped his legs around his friend's waist and pulled him forward.

"I'm trying to be gentle here."

"I'm trying to scratch 'anal with a guy' off my bucket list. I'm not getting any younger."

Raj pressed a little harder. Oh no.

"I am about to give you the hottest 15 seconds of your life," Raj promised. Howard reached up and gave the astrophysicist's nipple a hard pinch.

"Ow!"

"I just bought you another 30 seconds."

"No wonder this is illegal in some states. This is ridiculous."

Howard was getting hard again. He must have been doing something right. Howard gently guided him until he found just the right spot to make Howard lose his ability to talk nonsense and he began to whimper nonsense.

"Oh, Raj. Oh, god. Oh, man."

Raj thought about cricket and began to give long and hard thrusts. When he thought he couldn't take another minute and paused, Howard pulled him down for a long kiss. They stared into each other's eyes and Raj began to move again. Somehow the eye contact made everything thing seem more obscene. More intense. Less like a masturbatory fantasy and more like something real.

"You know I love you, right?" Raj asked.

"Yeah, but it doesn't count if you say it drunk during sex."

"Remind me to say it again tomorrow morning."

"I will. Right after I say it."

The time for chit chat was over. Raj couldn't keep any kind of regular rhythm anymore and soon he was smacking his hips against Howard so hard, Howard was pushing at the head board to keep himself still and then... He squeezed his eyes closed so hard he saw stars. He told Howard who called him a schmuck then kissed him.

Penny thought of all the fag hags in the world who were knocking back cosmos and dancing in clubs with beautiful men grinding against each other. Here she was playing playing Mario Cart (and kicking Sheldon's ass!) and eating a cheeseless pizza. When Raj stood up, Howard smacked his ass and told him to bring him a beer.

"That never stops being funny, Howard," replied Raj, "Did I say never stops? I meant to say that was _never_ funny!"

Raj could talk in front of Penny, sober, and that was still only the third craziest thing that had happened to her boys in the past month. She'd commented on the statistical unlikelihood of all four of them suddenly entering into homosexual relationships in their late twenties (with each other). She was treated to several graphs and a powerpoint from Sheldon. Leonard's mom was writing a paper on them and their "micro-culture". Sheldon's mother called for a group prayer every day. So far, no luck. Sheldon and Leonard were still attracted to each other.

Honestly, she was a little jealous. They were all with partners who were their best friends and they could always double date. Leonard and Sheldon had already made a lot of progress in their relationship. Sheldon now allowed Leonard to whistle for five minutes a week and he allowed ten minutes of post-coital cuddling before he took a shower. Leonard no longer flipped out when Sheldon twittered about their post-coital cuddling. Howard had moved out of his mother's house and into Raj's apartment. Mrs. Wolowitz wasn't happy, mainly because Raj wasn't Jewish, but she still insisted Raj join them for dinner nearly every day. Raj's mom still wanted grandchildren and had some feelers out on cute Punjabi babies.

"Penny, you look pensive," Sheldon commented, "Are you thinking about shoes?"

"No, I'm thinking I have _four_ gay friends and none of you like shoe shopping. I am the unluckiest hag in the world."

"Don't think of it that way," offered Leonard, "think of it as you have four nerds to do your taxes and give you tech support and you don't even have to put on make-up."

Penny thought about it, he wasn't wrong.

She hadn't hated making out with Amy... No, she'd have to test the waters with Bernadette. Amy literally bites.


End file.
